


Too Many Dwarves - A Neri Wolf Story

by MercedMike



Series: Neri Wolf [1]
Category: Nero Wolfe - Rex Stout, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crossover, Fluff, Fusion, Gen, Hobbit Archie, Hobbit Wolfe, Humor, Mystery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25391944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercedMike/pseuds/MercedMike
Summary: Neri Wolf and Archo Goodwine, the best detectives in Bree, solve a mystery for a dwarf client.
Series: Neri Wolf [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839007
Comments: 13
Kudos: 23





	Too Many Dwarves - A Neri Wolf Story

**Author's Note:**

> These characters are obviously patterned after characters created by Rex Stout and set in the world created by JRR Tolkien. Some familiarity with the Nero Wolfe books and/or the Lord of the Rings books would help in getting the "in jokes" but is not necessary.

**TOO MANY DWARVES  
**

**A Neri Wolf story**

**By MercedMike**

**4758 words**

I sat in the kitchen of Neri Wolf's large old hobbit hole, just North of the Prancing Pony in Breetown, finishing up my morning glass of carrot juice. Marigold Berrybush, the best cook in Breeland or the Shire, slid three griddle cakes onto my plate. Next to the plate she put a jar of the wild thyme honey sent to Wolf from an elf in the Blue Mountains.

I only had two cakes before there was a loud knock at the door. “I'll go, Archo,” Marigold said. She could not stand the thought of anybody's meal being interrupted. She came back and said, “It is a dwarf, Archo. He says he wants to see Mr. Wolf.”

I reflected on the fact that the Bree Vault-keeper's statement showed a shrinking reserve of gold pieces and we had not had a case for six weeks. “Does he look like he can pay Mr. Wolf's fees?” I asked.,

“Archo! He is a dwarf. He is bound to have a bag of gold.”

Hoping she was right, I said, “Let him wait a bit.” Then I turned my attention to the last griddle cake. I took my time finishing it up, and the knocks at the door got louder and more insistent. When the last cake was gone, I made my way to the front door. I opened it and saw a sturdy dwarf standing on the porch.

“I want to see Neri Wolf,” the dwarf demanded.

I said, ”I am Archo Goodwine, Mr. Wolf's confidential assistant.”

The dwarf gruffly began, “Hmphh I don't know how a bunch of halflings are going to help me. But several of the big folk recommended Wolf. I want to see him.”

I knew that Wolf was in the garden with Theodoric Brandybanks, the best gardener for 20 leagues around. He hated to be disturbed there, I said, “Mr. Wolf is not available right now. Can I help you?”

“I like dealing with principals.” insisted the dwarf. “ I want to see Neri Wolf.”

I said, “Then come back in a half hour. Mr. Wolf will be available at 10:00.”

The dwarf muttered into his beard, but I steered him out the front door. Then I went into the office and began opening the letters that had arrived in the fast post.

At 10:00 I heard the back door close and Wolf came in from the garden. He placed some bluebonnets in the vase on his desk and settled his five stone into his personal chair. He weighs almost as much as the Bullroarer did, but is nowhere near as tall so he is much rounder,

I just had time to say, “A dwarf is coming. He says he only speaks to principals.” Wolf made a face. I went on, conversationally, “The exchequer is at an all time low.” Wolf made another face.

There was a loud knock at the front door. I admitted the dwarf. After a bit of an argument he left his axe in the weapon rack by the door. I showed him into the office and he popped into the red leather chair. With no preliminaries he said, “I need some good detective work. I am called Thralfi. A group of us from Thorin's Hall came to investigate the mineral deposits in the Barrow Downs, but when we got there we didn't like the looks of it, so we were planning to leave today.

“ Last night we were investigating the ale at the Prancing Pony and I think I slept too heavily afterwards. This morning I discovered a purse of gold missing from my room. I want you to find it for me.”

“Indeed,” Wolf replied. “Did the big folk who recommended me also mention my fees?'

Thralfi snorted and tossed a gold dwarf-coin on the desk. “It isn't the gold,” he said, “it is the insult. If dragons are punished for stealing dwarf gold, then whoever took my purse has to be also. He only left me seven coins in my smaller pouch.”

Wolf glared at the gold coin. Then he glared at me. Then he glared at the dwarf. Then he glared at the gold coin again. He realized that he was going to have to do some work. He sighed, and said, “Very well, I need to know all the members of your party ~~,~~ and other customers at the Pony. Start with the dwarves.”

For the next hour he grilled the dwarf. He learned that six dwarves had been staying at the Prancing Pony for a week. Last night, there were also a pair of men, traders from the Forsaken Inn at the border of the Lone Lands, three hobbits from the Shire who were just tramping, and, as Thralfi described them, “two of those scruffy Southerners who have been coming up the Greenway lately.” A fair group of local hobbits and men from Breetown and Combe had also been there for the evening.

“Pfui!” Wolf exclaimed. “A circus! Well, we will have to try to sort it out. It will take time, good dwarf.”

Marigold came in and announced it was time for elevenses. Wolf told Thralfi, “Have all six of them here at 9:00.”

The dwarf said, “I can have them here in 10 minutes.”

Wolf replied, “I have commitments until then. Have them here at 9:00.”

I showed Thralfi, muttering into his beard, to the door and joined Wolf in the kitchen. For the next half hour we polished off Marigold's salmon mousse sandwiches, cucumbers and cheese on crackers, scones with blackberry jam, and a pot of Wolf's favorite tea which comes up the Greenway from the South. Talk of business is forbidden during meals, so Wolf discussed the exploits of Bullroarer Took.

After elevenses, we went into the office and Wolf settled in his chair and leaned back with his eyes closed. I thought he was working on the job already, but I guess he was just resting his eyes. He opened them and looked at me. “Archo, talk to Barliman and his staff at the inn, and inspect that room. See what they have to say. But don't be late for lunch.”

I spent an hour talking to Barliman Butterburr. He is a slow talker, but I once heard that old traveler Gandalf say, “He can see through a stone wall, given time.” The only information I got is that none of the inn workers think we will find the purse. I took a quick look at the dwarf’s ~~'~~ room but didn't have time to do a complete toss job.

I got back just in time for lunch, bear tongue in herb sauce, vegetables from the garden lightly steamed, and wild strawberries with Goldberry's sauce of cream, eggs, and a dash of cinnamon.

We were enjoying our after lunch pipes in the office, Old Toby pipeweed from the Shire, when there was a loud banging on the door. I opened it to find Chief Watcher Heathstraw himself. The door and the main rooms are made large enough for the big folk, and he came charging in and headed for the office, only having to stoop a little.

I followed him into the office. He was standing at Wolf's desk, looking a bit foolish as his head brushed the curved ceiling. As I came in he was saying, “I want to know what Goodwine was doing at the Prancing Pony this morning, ~~,~~ and I want to know NOW!”

Wolf regarded him, and then said, “I like eyes at a level. Please sit down.”

We have stools for the big folk, low but comfortably upholstered. Heathstraw glared at Wolf but realized he would get nothing until he complied. He sat and then said, “Well?”

Wolf replied, “Surely a respectable hobbit is entitled to stop by the inn for a drop of refreshment. What reason do you have for invading his privacy?”

“You don't know?” snarled Heathstraw. “Poor little Hob Slowcoach, Nob's cousin, was found in that dwarf's room twenty minutes ago with his throat cut. Now tell me why Goodwine was there asking questions about those dwarves an hour and a half ago?”

“He was there on behalf of a client, Chief Watcher. He did not learn anything that might bear on your murder.”

Heathstraw spent a frustrating fifteen minutes trying to get more out of Wolf but without success. Finally he growled, “Someday you will be sitting in Bree Jail when you get too smart for yourself.” He got up and tried to stalk out, but having to duck for the door sort of spoiled the effect.

The next knock on the door brought Barliman Butterburr and the hobbit chore boy Nob Slowcoach. I took them into the office, putting Barliman on the best big folk stool and Nob in one of the yellow leather chairs.

“Mr. Butterburr,” Wolf intoned. “My sympathy for the unfortunate event at your establishment.”

“That's just it, Mr. Wolf. I have been working hard to rebuild my reputation after it was all cut up last year by those Black Riders. Just when things were getting good again this happens. It's worse than an event, Mr. Wolf, it's a disaster. That's why I want to ask you, sir, to find the killer. I can afford your fees.”

“Good landlord, I understand your concerns. Surely you know that I have a client,” Wolf said.

“That's just it. What if they say somebody at the Pony stole that gold? I want you to be able to stand up for me, and the best way is to clear up this murder.”

“Mr. Butterburr, I cannot engage to protect your interests. I will engage to seek the murderer, and so far as I can protect the reputation of the Pony I will do so.”

“That's good enough for me, Mr. Wolf. But now that I know you are on my side, I want you to hear what my Nob has to say.”

“Indeed,” said Wolf, inclining his head toward the hobbit. “Speak up, lad. What have you to tell me?”

Nob seemed terrified. “Please, sir, I didn't mean no harm. But there was something that happened after Mr. Goodwine left. I just thought I had a piece of luck, you see.”

Wolf nodded gently. “Go on, nobody will hurt you.”

“Well you see,sir,” Nob went on, “I was bringing some taters from the storeroom and I seen a dwarf with a long red beard coming down the steps from that room. He saw me and put a finger to his lips, and he put a silver dwarf-coin in my hand. Then he disappeared into the common room. Please, sir, I didn't think one dwarf would rob another one, so I didn't see no harm in just forgetting I saw it.”

“Indeed. Well, since you have kept it quiet this long, there is no need to talk about it unless someone in authority specifically asks you. It may be material or it may not. Mr. Butterburr, I will look into the case and let you know what I find.”

I escorted the man and the hobbit to the door, and went back into the office. Wolf looked annoyed. I said, “So the dwarf found the hobbit in the room and took him for the thief and got revenge.”

“Pfui,” Wolf said. “Ingenious, Archo, but hardly likely. However you can visit the inn and look them over. Remind them all to be here at 9:00,” He pushed himself out of his chair and prepared to spend two hours in the garden. “Find Sol and ask him to come here.”

I wrote a note to Sol Plumtree and gave a hobbit lad a piece of candy to find him and deliver it. Finding the dwarves was easy. They were in the center of a group in the Pony's Common Room. The redbeard seemed friendly with all of the rest. The air was full of conjecture and wild guesses. When I reminded the six dwarves to see Wolf at 9:00, there were knowing looks all around in the audience. In the corner of the room I noticed Second Watcher Broadleaf taking notice of it all.

I got back to the office just as Sol Plumtree was ~~just~~ coming up the path. We went in together to the office. Sol looks like a stable hand but he is the best operative around. Short, even for a hobbit, with a big nose, the hairiest feet in Bree and wearing a beat up old cap, he won't be noticed in any crowd.

I heard the back door close and Wolf came in carrying a bunch of radishes. Sol and I nibbled on them while Wolf gave instructions. Wolf simply described the situation to Sol and told him to scout out the Pony and see what turns up, using intelligence guided by experience, and to report back before dinner.

Wolf leaned back and closed his eyes, but just then Marigold came in and announced it was tea time. In the dining room Wolf discoursed on the history of broccoli while we nibbled on Marigold's dainties just to “fill up the corners.”

After tea, Wolfe settled in his chair, leaned back and closed his eyes. I know not to disturb him when he does that, so just to stretch my legs I took a stroll down to the Pony. I didn't see Sol, so I sat down in the Common Room and looked around me. I saw the six dwarves, and noticed that the red-bearded one was buying drinks around, paying with a gold dwarf-coin. What the heck he was a dwarf, wasn't he? As 7:00 approached I walked back up the hill to the hobbit hole.

Just then several loud knocks sounded at the front door. Of course, it was Chief Watcher Heathstraw. He charged into the office, almost forgetting to duck. Wolf was just getting settled in the only chair in Bree that really fits him.

“You think you are smart, holding out on me, don't you? Butterburr was here, and now Goodwine and Plumtree poking around the Pony again! I want to know what Butterburr told you!” demanded Heathstraw.

“Certainly, Chief Watcher. You know I always give you any information I have pertaining to a case, provided that in my discretion I determine it constitutes evidence. Landlord Butterburr is now my client. We are investigating the murder at the Prancing Pony as well as the theft of gold coins. I have no other information which conclusively constitutes evidence in my judgment. When and if I do I will of course invite you to share it. In the meantime, have you investigated those two swarthy Southerners at the inn?”

“Naturally you know I have. And I am sure you know that one of them paid for his room with a gold dwarf-coin. But you didn't think that was evidence you needed to share, did you?”

“In fact, Chief Watcher, I had not heard it until you just told me. But evidence? Pfui. Dwarf-coins are in circulation everywhere. You may even have one in your pouch now but probably not a gold one. I doubt you would carry anything that valuable around.”

Heathstraw clapped his hand to his pouch, then looked chagrined. He turned and walked out of the room, remembering to duck as he went through the door. I followed him into the hall, just to be sure that he really left.

Returning to the office, I raised an eyebrow at him. He murmured, “The observations of a hobbit lad are not evidence until they prove something.”

I replied, “Yeah. I will be sharing the cell next to you in Bree Jail if Heathstraw finds out we knew and didn't dump the bag.”

Another knock at the door was Sol returning. He spent half an hour reporting but had nothing of interest to add, except he had noticed all the dwarves kept their axes nearby, but our client's seemed to be shinier than the rest. I kicked myself mentally for not noticing that. I told you he is the best.

Wolf said, “Of course you will stay for dinner.” We went into the dining room for Marigold's grilled squab with Old Forest sauce, artichokes from the garden with lemon mayonnaise, and blackberry grunt. During dinner Wolf discoursed on the methods of growing artichokes to just hobbit size, not too small and not too big. He ate four, and Sol and I each had three.

After dinner, Wolf told Sol to come by in the morning and asked him to find Fredo Darkwine and bring him too, We were having coffee in the office when the dwarves knocked. I let them in, and after the usual dissension they deposited their axes in the weapon rack, all six of them.

Wolf spent three hours asking questions about everything from their rooms at the inn, to their route from Thorin's Hall across the Shire to Bree. He established the fact that each dwarf had a purse of gold, and that they had all been drinking heavily that night, but a couple of them implied that Thralfi had consumed more than his share. They admitted that they had carried him to his room and put him on the bed with the pouch still on his belt.

Finally Wolf announced that it was bedtime, and dismissed them. Before he did, he gave them a warning. “Obviously we are dealing with a desperate person here. Be on your guard.”

Thralfi laughed. “Don't worry. I just had the smiths sharpen my axe yesterday!”

The dwarves filed out. I saw them out the door ~~,~~ and returned to the office. Wolf was leaning back, his eyes closed, and his lips moving in and out. I never interrupt this occupation, so I watched for seven and a half minutes. Then he opened his eyes and said, “When Fredo and Sol arrive, send them to me in the garden.” I raised my eyebrows but he did not add anything more.

We went to the kitchen for our usual bedtime snack, Marigold's candied walnuts and herb tea, and then wet to bed.

Next morning I had just finished my carrot juice when Sol and Fredo showed up. I told them to sit down and try some griddle cakes until Wolf was ready. Time passed and I heard the back door so I knew Wolf was in the garden, and I sent the two of them out there while I went to the office.

In about twenty minutes they were back with a note that said:

_AG_

_Give them each the usual expense money_

_NW_

I dealt out enough money to cover stable fees and encouragement to talk and such things and they were off.

I opened the mail, worked on the garden records including adding new planted rows to the elaborate map of the garden that Wolf delighted in. Then I had time to think, but I did not see what was to be done.

Wolf came in from the garden at the usual time, nibbling on a stalk of celery. “Yes,” he muttered to himself, “the boar dropping fertilizer does give it a certain tang.” He put a few roses of several different colors in the vase on his desk. He was barely in his chair before Marigold brought in Sol and Fredo. Sol looked downcast, but Fredo was smiling. Wolf looked at Sol and asked, “No luck?” Sol shook his head. Fredo was practically bouncing in his chair, so Wolf looked at him.

“I got him, Mr. Wolf. The only one in all Bree,” he exulted.

Wolf nodded. “Satisfactory. You know what to do.” Fredo nodded and left the room.

Wolf looked at me. “Get them all here right after elevenses. The dwarves, Butterburr and Nob, and Heathstraw and his Second Watcher.” Someday he will ask me to get Elrond Halfelven here by lunchtime. Sol and I split them up, and were back with promises from all of them just in time for elevenses.

Sol joined us for elevenses, and we worked our way through fresh biscuits with thin sliced boar, crispy hobbit-fried taters, and carrot cake with raisins. As we finished, Wolf said, “As our guests arrive, send Butterburr and Nob to me, and put the others in the front room but keep the door closed. When they are all here, leave Sol with them and come to the office.”

Butterburr and Nob showed up first and I sent them to the office. The rest trickled in over the next ten minutes, first the dwarves, then Heathstraw and his deputy Broadleaf. “If this is another one of his circuses, he had better be careful!” Heathstraw grumbled.

After a short time, Butterburr and Nob joined us in the front room. As ordered, when they were all there, I went into the office. Wolf said, “Your notebook, Archo. We may need a record of this.”

There was a knock at the door. I started to get up, but Wolf said, “Marigold has instructions to get it.” Soon the office door opened and Fredo came in accompanied by a big man wearing a smith's apron.

Fredo pointed the man to a yellow stool, and made introductions. “This is Mr Wolf, my boss. Sir, this is Harry Goatsfoot from the smith's craft hall.”

Wolf lowered his chin an eighth of a inch. “Indeed. Thank you Fredo. Mr. Goatsfoot, I sent Fredo out this morning to inquire about having some gold roses made to adorn my dagger. He reports that you are prepared to do it.”

“Shure sur. I'll make the purtiest lil gold roses you ever seen,” replied the smith.

“You have gold on hand to do it with, sir?” asked Wolf.

“Aye. Us don't usual keep gold on hand, but I came into a gold coin I can pound out.”

“Very good. Fredo, please ask Sol to bring our guests in,”

Sol, the six dwarves, Butterburr, Nob, and the two Watchers filed into the room. I put Butterburr in the best man stool, and Heathstraw glared at me but took a yellow one. Our other client, Thralfi, got the red leather chair.

Smith Goatsfoot stood up and looked around. “What is this?” he spluttered.

“Sit down, Smith. It will become clear.” Then he turned to the audience, and said,”I have a tale to tell. It may sound like only conjecture but it is based on solid reasoning. It concerns six dwarves in their travels.”

Thralfi and his companions looked around at each other.

Wolf went on, “These six jolly companions reached a comfortable inn, and having concluded their business, held a small celebration. Ale flowed freely, and at least one of them had too much. His companions carried him to his bedroom and deposited him on the bed in a lethargic state.”

Thralfi's five companions were grinning at him through their beards.

“He slept long and well. Alas, upon awakening he discovered that his purse was missing. Most upset, he came to me to help him get revenge on the thief. Several operatives worked on the case and it came to light that a red bearded dwarf had been seen coming out of the room.”

Heathstraw exclaimed, “Where did your learn that?”

The red bearded dwarf jumped up and said, “I was just checking on my friend!”

Wolf sighed.”Don't worry, Chief Watcher. It is not material to the case. If I had become convinced that it was, you would have known. I had already eliminated him. Dwarves do not steal from dwarves. The dwarf asked for silence because his friend was sleeping, and he gave the hobbit server a small coin as over-generous tip. And dwarves do not slit throats. If he had killed the hobbit, we would have found his head on the other side of the room.”

The red beard dwarf, feeling vindicated sat back down.

Wolf went on, “However, one of my operatives observed the suspicious Southerners paying with a gold coin. Have you investigated them?”

Heathstraw said, “We checked them out, They had several gold coins, but only that one was a dwarf-coin. The rest were from some place down South, I guess.”

“Indeed,” Wolf said. “But I had eliminated them for other reasons. Those Southerners are notorious cowards. It is unlikely two of them would stay around to chance their luck with six dwarves.”

He went on, “To continue my conjectural tale. Thralfi made a chance remark and I determined to follow up on it. This is Mr. Fredo Darkwine. Please tell us what you did this morning, Fredo.”

“All of it?” Fredo asked. Wolf nodded. Fredo reported, “I visited all the crafting halls in Breetown. My assignment was to find one who could make gold rosebuds for a dagger. I found out that the smiths do not normally keep gold around. The only one who said he could do it was Smith Goatsfoot. As instructed I asked him to come and discuss it with Mr. Wolf.”

I had my eyes on Goatsfoot. He crossed his arms and stared at Fredo.

“Good dwarf Thralfi, will you look at this smith. Is he the one who sharpened your axe two days ago?”

Thralfi stood in front of Goatsfoot. He said, “It is too bad I left that axe in the hallway. You put a fine edge on it, and charged enough. It is ready to punish perfidious rascals. Baruk Khazad!” A couple of the other dwarves pulled him back to his chair.

Wolf asked, “How did you pay Mr. Goatsfoot?”

Thralfi said, “I only had the gold dwarf-coins in my purse. I took one out and offered it to him He gave me a handful of silver Bree-coins in change.”

Wolf said, “Minutes ago, Mr. Goatsfoot told me he could make my rosebuds by pounding out a gold coin he had.”

Goatsfoot was impassive. “So what? You know now where I got it, legally.”

“Indeed,” said Wolf. “And you saw the dwarf take it out of a full purse. You went to the inn that night to watch the dwarves carouse, and when he was carried to bed, you crept in and lifted his purse.”

Goatsfoot laughed and said, “You hear him, Chief Watcher. He is a liar and deserves to spend a while in the Jail.”

Heathstraw slid his stool over closer to the smith.

“We shall soon find out which is the liar, Harry. It appears the smith was seen coming out of the room by Nob's cousin Hob. In an ill-advised plan, Hob spoke to Harry Goatsfoot and threatened to reveal him to the Watchers. They arranged to meet so Hob could split the bounty. Sadly the big man easily overpowered the poor hobbit and thought that he had secured his safety. Little did he know what Hob had told his cousin Nob.”

At this, Butterburr prodded Nob forward. Nob walked to where Harry sat, took a good look at him and nodded his head. Then he turned and went back to his seat. As he did so, Harry screamed, “When did he tell you it was me, little rat?” and jumped toward Nob.

Heathstraw on one side ~~,~~ and Fredo and I on the other stopped him and put him back on his stool. He glared at Nob and yelled, “I should have finished you, too!”

Wolf replied, “Hob told Nob nothing. We had no evidence until you just supplied it yourself.”

Heathstraw and his Second Watcher escorted the smith out of the room. Wolf looked at Thralfi and said, “No doubt they will find your purse when they search his room. My bill will be five gold dwarf-coins.”

“And gladly paid, good hobbit detective,” said the dwarf. “My service to you and your assistant.” The six dwarves filed out of the room.

Wolf turned to Butterburr and Nob. “You played your part well, Nob Slowcoach. Without you our plan might have failed. Won't you and Mr. Butterburr join us for lunch?”

Butterburr chuckled, “Only if you let me send to the Inn for some Shire Pride ale from Hobbiton Hops.”

The ale was perfect to wash down Marigold's piglet ribs in a tangy Mt. Doom sauce, grilled mushrooms from Maggot's farm, and cole slaw from Wolf's prize cabbages. It tasted all the better knowing I had gold coins to deposit in the vault.


End file.
